For
many parents, toilet training their young child can seem like a looming
hurdle. Most parents know that children need to be trained sometime
between two and four-and-a-half years old. Some children, regardless of
age, are trained quickly and adjust to using the toilet with hardly any
accidents. The majority of preschoolers learn after some stops and
starts, having accidents along the way, and showing some resistance or
disinterest during training. Then there is a third group of children
who pose the most difficult challenges – children who are uninterested
and resistant, strongwilled, and maybe fearful. The Parents’ Guide in
the 2011 book, I Don't Want to Go To the Toilet,
will help you with the insights and variety of techniques for
successfully training all these children. This Guide will also help you
manage your own feelings and frustrations through the process.
Toilet training is a big change.
Very young children have had some awareness that peepee or poop was
coming out of them, but no responsibility to do anything about it. Then
they come to an age when we need to start toilet training, Toilet
training is far more work than it is fun for most young children. It’s
a very different experience than learning how to walk – which is a
natural developmental process that unfolds along with exciting, new,
and fun capabilities. Toileting is a societal expectation which
requires much from young children: First, the child has to notice the
sensation of bladder and/or colon pressure. Then she has to “hold it”
so it doesn’t just come out. Next, she has to stop what she’s doing and
get to the bathroom. Then she has to take down her pants, sit on the
toilet for a while (or, for boys, stand in front of it), let out the
peepee or poop, wipe herself, pull up her pants, flush, and wash her
hands with soap and water and dry them. Many children don’t like this
new bothersome interruption in their day and have trouble accepting the
responsibility. From their perspective, it’s too much work and it’s too
many times a day. They’re being asked to notice the urge and go to the
bathroom on their own. When you look at toileting that way, it becomes
easier to understand why some young children may resist toilet training
and take a long time to learn this skill.
WHEN TO START TOILET TRAINING
In
the last 20 years there has been an increasingly relaxed view about
when children should begin toilet training. The standard advice used to
be to start at age two. Although some pediatricians still recommend
this, most suggest that parents wait until their children express
interest and readiness – which may not happen until age three or even
four. Yet many preschools expect children to be toilet trained whenthey
enroll, and that is usually between two years nine months and
three-and-a-half. And child care center teachers often take on a lot of
the toilet training and the age depends on their center’s policy. These
differing views can be confusing for parents.
Adding
to this confusion is the fact that toddlers at about 18 months old
often appear to be interested in toilet training. But for most, efforts
to train them at this age fail, because toddlers aren’t ready for that
level of responsibility. Young two-year-olds may also have trouble
getting toilet-trained, because children at that age are often very
resistant to their parents’ requests, so toileting can become a long
battle.
The most developmentally acceptable recommendation would be to start toilet training between age two-and-a-half and three,
when your child is typically physically ready to be trained. By this
age, children know the names for urination and defecation, can sit
still for a while on the toilet, and can take their pants on and off.
Most children this age are far enough into the oppositional age that
their parents have found ways of dealing with their child’s refusals.
If you start training at that age, your child can usually be toilet
trained in a few months. However, if your child doesn’t show an
interest even after you’ve tried several tactics and read the
suggestions in this guidance section, you should wait a few more
months. But if you wait a year, hoping that he will eventually show
interest, you’ll risk your child getting more entrenched in the habit
of letting go in his diapers and becoming even more resistant to using
the toilet.
MAKING TIME TO TRAIN
Toilet
training usually takes about three months from start to finish,
although some children learn in a few days or weeks, while others take
a year or more. Your role in toilet training your preschooler is
important. Pick a period of several weeks when you aren’t rushed or
preoccupied and can be more patient. Expect toileting to be a
front-burner issue for that time. It’s possible that your child may
just train herself – but if she doesn’t, you need the time and energy
to help her along.
Another important toilet training issue to consider is the individuality of your child.
Some children are very active and have trouble sitting for long
periods; while others are reluctant to acquire new skills, making them
more resistant. Active children need extra exercise before they can sit
long enough on the toilet, and often need some riveting activity to
keep them interested while they sit there. Children who adapt more
slowly to changes need lots of verbal preparation, small steps, and
emotional support. Remember that about half of children train pretty
easily and the other half need you to patiently provide motivation and
guidance.
Annye Rothenberg, Ph.D., author, has been a child/parent
psychologist and a specialist in childrearing and child development for more than 25 years. Her parenting psychology practice is
in Emerald Hills, California. She is also on the adjunct faculty in
pediatrics at Stanford University School of Medicine. Dr. Rothenberg
was the founder/director of the Child Rearing parenting program in Palo
Alto, California, and is the author of the award-winning books Mommy and Daddy are Always Supposed to Say Yes … Aren’t They?, Why Do I Have To?, I Like To Eat Treats, I Don't Want to Go to the Toilet, I Want To Make Friends and I'm Getting Ready For Kindergarten. These are all-in-one books with a story for preschoolers and a manual
for parents. Her new series is for elementary school childen and their parents. The first book is Why Can't I Be the Boss of Me? (2015). For more information about her books and to read her
articles, visit www.PerfectingParentingPress.com. To find out about her counseling practice and her speaker presentations, go to www.PerfectingParentingPress.com/about_author.html.
