Parenting requires teaching our beliefs, values,
and standards to our kids. That’s very difficult, but
exceptionally rewarding. A common example is getting
our kids to put away their things, which, as expected,
takes much teaching. By elementary-school age, everyone
in the family should be expected to clean up after
themselves daily. We want children to learn that when
they do their part, we have time to spend with them
because we didn’t have to tell them over and over or
threaten consequences. Children feel good emotionally
and even physiologically when we smile, praise them,
hug them, and have time to be with them. That builds
their desire to do what we ask.
Children want to please us if our demands are
reasonable, justifiable, age-appropriate, and consistent.
They don’t want to please us if our demands don’t meet
those criteria. They feel good if we’re happy, affectionate,
and available to them, which lets them know how
pleased we are. But if there is no end to our demands,
they may feel that no matter what they do, they’ll never
be done or never be able to please us. Even children
who are internally driven to do all that we ask may
start ignoring our pressure. This happens frequently in
families where parents keep giving the kids more and
more jobs and/or in families where parents pressure
children for accomplishments or tell them, “I just want
you to do your best.” Although in the latter case those
parents say they’re just trying to motivate their kids to
try harder, their children may feel like they’re being
asked to do the impossible, because they know a person
can always do better.
It’s valuable for parents to spend time assisting in
their child’s classroom – even just monthly – and at
the child’s other activities. This way we know what the
demands are on them, in terms of how their teachers
run the class, what skills are expected, and how they’re
doing. Children feel much closer to us when we can
relate to what is going on in their lives and help them
with expectations and stresses. They’re more likely to
respect us and want to please us when they feel we
understand their world, and because our advice makes
better sense when it is well informed.
Children are more receptive to us when they want to
please us. As they learn that they please us with small
things such as putting their things away and going to bed
on time, and bigger things such as doing what they’re
capable of without demanding our help and doing good
jobs rather than half-jobs, they develop a valuable belief
system. If we have good values and they want to please
us (as most children do), our teaching is the foundation
for the person they become. If we show good values,
kids learn them: being hardworking, friendly, considerate
of others, honest, healthy, good thinkers, etc.
Encouraging them to want to please us helps youngsters
who just want to do what they want evolve into
young adults who know how and why to behave, who
know who they are and what they believe, who learn
and accomplish things, and who know how to get along
with others, including how to understand people and
how to respond to them.
Excerpted from Why Can't I Be the Boss of Me?
Annye Rothenberg, Ph.D., author, has been a child/parent
psychologist and a specialist in childrearing and child development for more than 25 years. Her parenting psychology practice is
in Emerald Hills, California. She is also on the adjunct faculty in
pediatrics at Stanford University School of Medicine. Dr. Rothenberg
was the founder/director of the Child Rearing parenting program in Palo
Alto, California, and is the author of the award-winning books Mommy and Daddy are Always Supposed to Say Yes … Aren’t They?, Why Do I Have To?, I Like To Eat Treats, I Don't Want to Go to the Toilet, I Want To Make Friends and I'm Getting Ready For Kindergarten. These are all-in-one books with a story for preschoolers and a manual
for parents. Her new series is for elementary school childen and their parents. The first book is Why Can't I Be the Boss of Me? (2015). For more information about her books and to read her
articles, visit www.PerfectingParentingPress.com. To find out about her counseling practice and her speaker presentations, go to www.PerfectingParentingPress.com/about_author.html.
